she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
