Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
where are my eyebrows?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
