Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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