the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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