I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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