I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
