Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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