remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
