I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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