If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There are leaves in my underwear?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
