i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
