Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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