Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I want to fling myself into the sun
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
