you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
