When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
