I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i think my cat just said my name.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
