this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
