Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
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the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
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You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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