we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
40s are totally the cure
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
