we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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