I can text with my tongue
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
