Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
