it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
