god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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