don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
