no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
