The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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