did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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