Im at strip club and am horny
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
