i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Randomize
