Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
