Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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