The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
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My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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