I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
