i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
