she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
