dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
