I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
