After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
