It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
