I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You ate ashes out of my bong
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
