I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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