She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
