I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
