it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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