I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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