hotel room ftw
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
