I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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