Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
