and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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