I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
a search helicopter?!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
