Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
