At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Text me some of your sweat
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