My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
