The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
