Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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