why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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