I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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